We recently had the privilege of having a visiting pastor
from Uganda over to our home. It was the pastor’s first visit to the U.S and I
was curious about his experience. I asked him: “What has been your biggest
surprise about our country?” I assured him that I would not be offended by
candor. His response surprised me and I have been thinking about it ever since.
He said: “It seems that Americans live in a world of acquaintances.” He relayed
a story that illustrated what he meant. He spoke of staying at a host family’s
home on their arrival to the U.S. and having the opportunity to meet some of
the members of that family’s small church group. At some point he had asked his
host if they could go visit a member of that small group. The host replied, we
can but I will need to call him to get his address. He was shocked that a
person could call another person a friend (and be in the same small group) and
not know where they live. He went on the share stories of the relative openness
of Ugandan culture.
If I’m truthful his observation cut me to my heart and I
haven’t quite been able to shake it. In that simple exchange he was able to
summarize something I have felt, but haven’t been able to put into words. I
live in a world of acquaintances. But I long for something more.
Perhaps I am an
anomaly. The truth is the well that most people go to for deeper relationships
is relatively dry for me. Apart from my immediate family I have no other family
to speak of. I was raised by my mom and I have never met (save a short meeting
with my father at age 8) any other member of my family. When my mom went to be
with Jesus seven years ago, that was it. My wife is in a similar boat with most
of her family though for different reasons. So it is pretty much just the Sims
clan for us, though that is no small thing.
Because of my history I have clung strongly to the language
of the bible. The bible oozes with the language of family. The Son of God was
sent by the Father to redeem a people. Those people refer to each other as brother
and sister. These words are water to a desert of a soul. My coming to Christ
was so drenched with these ideas that it’s hard for me to even separate them.
Christ died for me, now I have a Father and a family. I know that is the truth.
I am more certain of that than I am that the sun will rise tomorrow. If I’m
honest though, life with my new family is not what I expected.
To be fair in many ways it is more than I expected. The love
and support that my brothers and sisters showed when our son died can hardly be
put into words. I very simply have never experienced anything like it. People
brought food and offered money and scrubbed our toilets and just sat with us in
silence. The sum of a thousand thoughtful actions was overwhelming and
unforgettable. This is precisely what I had always dreamed being in a family
would be like and it shouldn’t be diminished by what I am about to say.
With the exception of certain short periods in my life,
membership in the Church has felt more like belonging to a club than a family.
It is for the most part a world of acquaintances (at least for me). I could
count on one hand the number of people in my church that I could drive to their
home without making a call for directions first. I am not laying blame here. I
am just stating a fact and hoping to find some answers. Maybe this is because I
don’t put out the effort; maybe I am just a bit of an ass that nobody’s really
keen on being around, maybe there’s something bigger and more systemic going
on. I suspect it’s some combination of all those things.
I heard someone say once about building relationships with
your children: “The idea of quality time vs. quantity time is a myth, quality
time can’t be planned, it just pops up in the middle of quantity time.” I can’t
help but wonder if there isn’t something there. Does real family life come from
scheduling “quality time” with one another, or is it birthed in the little
things, the ordinary things done often. Oh how I am longing for more of the
ordinary things. At this point in my life I don’t really want another bible
study; I want to spend some time eating turkey with my family. Am I the only
one?
The Myth of Quality Vs. Quantity